In part 1 of this series of core components of a relationship being Communication, Compromise and Acceptance, I looked at Communication. In this second article, I will be looking at Compromise.
Looking at Married at First Sight 22, it is interesting to see how the different couples try and resolve their differences. Some less effective strategies involve shouting at their partner, walking off, and withdrawing completely, avoiding, refusing, and delaying. Referring to MAFS22, there are several instances where this happened because the person felt unable to continue the conversation.
Referring back to MAFS22, there were many examples at the dinner parties where individuals are critical of their partners, saying things such as ‘you never let me speak’, ‘you never listen to me’, ‘you don’t defend me’. This behaviour can escalate the situation as the receiving person may feel attacked. Being able to find compromises early in a relationship can have a significant impact on the success of the relationship. The aim of compromise is to be able to resolve the issue at hand without arguing, hurting each other’s feelings, or pushing the other person away.
Compromise is more about communicating what each other’s wants, and needs are, and then looking for ways to meet as many of each other’s wants and needs as possible. It is less about who is right or wrong, much more about how we find a way to resolve the issue together.
Examples of where a couple may need to compromise could be the amount of time they spend together. One person may want to be together all the time, whereas the other person may need some individual time. Talk about what each person’s needs are and the level of importance for each person. Then discuss options that can give both what they are looking for. We can’t always have everything our own way, sometimes we need to give a bit as well as take a bit.
Money can be an issue ranging from how much each person spends, to differences in levels of earnings and how much to spend on holidays. Sharing the household bills can be a start and having joint and individual accounts for different things such as saving for holidays, but also freedom to spend your own money. Talking through what each person wants and enjoys is part of reaching a compromise.
So, what else can help when trying to reach a compromise within a relationship?
If we try using “I” instead can reinforce the impact that the behaviour or action is having on them. ‘I feel at times then we are talking about something, I don’t feel heard’. This changes the comment to more of a complaint rather than a criticism and is less attacking.
Press pause and consider how you are feeling and how might your partner be feeling. Remember all the positive reasons why they are your partner, what was it about them made you fall in love with them? Tell them the good things they do and say and take responsibility for your actions and apologise if you have offended them. Take time for yourself, give yourself some space and let the other person know what you are doing. Learn each other’s love language, and if it is different then look at what you can do to try at times to speak the same love language.
If you are experiencing any of the above and it is significantly affecting your relationship, seeking support from a couple’s therapist early can make a huge difference to helping get your relationship back on track. Whether you have been in your relationship a short or long time, therapy can help develop your communication skills with each other.
Also, look out for the final part in this series of 3 – Acceptance!